(Step 2) Get It Outside My Mind

 Dear Me,

Source : YouTube Lauren Rose

We promised ourselves we will record each step of the way in the process of us facing our agoraphobia.

Knowledge accumulation is just one of the many skills we have developed in the last 44 years, since we asked the questions: why did the sexual abuse happened to us? What kind of mental health state was our father in, when it happened? How can we protect ourselves from being in such a situation, again?

Actually, our mind is now a vast library of mental health related  information and inspiring stories of people who have overcome their own mental health and life struggles against a lot of odds.

Most recently we found a new inspiration:

Lauren Rose, a YouTuber since 2015; she has overcome agoraphobia and are now helping others to not only heal but thrive in living their lives.

She (her YouTube archives) helped me put that last piece of the puzzle I have been searching for the last 4 years, since I had to face the reality of seeking professional help. 

Knowledge accumulation has reached it’s zenith. It’s time to literally move into action in getting our life back. One literal step at a time.

Flashbacks 💭 

Revisiting the Past

2020

It was a point in my life (December 2020) that I had to admit I no longer can do it by myself; my mind & body were  too overwhelmed, and I can no longer function.

3 years, 3 months of seeking mental health experts for answers, assistance, support. Beginning of 2024, I was still stuck in the prison of my own mind.

2003

21 years ago (August 2003) was when I began the journey of therapy. I went to seek professional mental help for the first time and got referred to a psychiatrist, who - I would find out decade later - misdiagnosed me with bipolar disorder.

In those 21 years I severed my connection to unhealthy relationships in my life, raised my 3 daughters with my new life partner, and started life anew in the 3rd country I moved to since leaving my birth country. There were countless of depressive episodes even though life (2009-2019) was basically how I have always dreamed it to be.

2020-2023

Mental Health

A short version of the last 3 years: I found out I had never had bipolar disorder (I was medicated from 2003-2006 for this), nor ADHD but after careful testing and interviews with Dutch medical experts, they came to a conclusion that I had complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD).

1979-1984

Since I was 7-12 yo, I had that awareness, that being sexually abused by my own father will always affect who I am. As young as I was, I had developed the survival thought : knowledge will protect me. The more I know, the more I will feel safe.

1986-1990

Between 14-16 years old, I developed migraines, suicidal thoughts and strong ideations of ending my life.

I was still bed wetting (as far back as I can recall) 18 years of age, and getting humiliated by my mother for it. 

1993-2003

I left my homeland when I was 20, got married abroad a year later, and started family life 5 years after that.

This decade of my life felt very very lonely even though giving birth to my daughters were the best thing that happened to me in this decade. I hope in my path of facing my agoraphobia, I can elucidate this more to myself.

2006-2007

This year was a huge turning point. I still look back to this year as both the most heartbreaking and life renewing time.

2009-2019

A decade of living life. Doing my best to keep going surrounded by the 4 most important loves of my life: my partner and my daughters, our girls.

2020-2023

Life

It was a time to slow down. Face the past for what it really was. It the time to take time to heal from the past. Feel the pain of what was for healing purposes.

A Flashforward ⚡️ 💨 

Visualization of 2024

Source : (from the article) Baby Steps: The Inevitable Path to Growth